Are you Making Your Children Bear The Brunt For Your Mistakes?
Five years ago when Tony and I got divorced, I was full of rage and bitterness, how could he cheat on me with our maid? I felt so much resentment towards him and consequently it reflected in the way I spoke about him to the hearing of our young son whom to me was “only a Child”.
Well the little boy is all grown now and we are best friends. Gbenga just turned sixteen and I asked what he wanted for his birthday, he just smiled and said he would tell me later……..
Time does heal a lot of pain.
Over the years, Tony and I have found common grounds to relate with each other because we cannot wish away the fact that we have our adorable son Gbenga between us, and so two years ago, I found it in my heart to let Tony be a part of Gbenga’s life besides just paying his bills. When we got divorced, I couldn’t stand the thought of being in the same room with Tony, but today, he freely visits my home to see Gbenga and even takes him away on short trips.
At first, it was hard ooo, I won’t lie, even harder for Gbenga than myself. I had filled the little lad with so much resentment for his father from things he heard me say and the many tears I cried. I always talked about how Tony made me feel, how he hurt me and betrayed my trust, I always said what he did, but I never said anything about who he was, the man I fell in love with and married, the hard working man with good heart, generous, honest and very respectful above all Tony could pass the good guy test,he just failed to properly communicate his needs, and to excercise self control,he failed to love me the way i needed to be loved…… sadly many husbands are guilty of this and wives too.
Tony had messed up big time as a husband, but it wasn’t right of me to deny my son a relationship with his father nor his father a relationship with his son, so it was a lot of work trying to get Gbenga to refer to his father as “Dad” rather than “that man” or “ Mr Olagunju” as he usually called him, only then did I realize how much harm I had done, besides, I realized that the one who was actually bearing the brunt of our divorce here was Gbenga, he was really hurting because through all the hate and resentment for his father, I could tell deep down, he craved a relationship with hs father just like any young boy would. It is just a man thing.
I realized also that only I could undo the damage done because sometimes it felt like he wanted to loosen up and embrace his dad but was afraid that doing so will be hurting me, Poor boy.
….. And so, I was least prepared for the answer to the question ”What do you want for your birthday “? I had earlier asked………
As the door bell rang at about 5pm that evening, Gbenga looked through the window,seeing his father he smiled then ran and knelt before me taking my hand, “Mum”, he said almost in a whisper, “remember you asked what I want for my birthday? “yes” I answered smiling, “ask anything within my power son, you know I will do it as long as it’s legal, I love you that much now get up and quit being silly, get the door”, “ok” he said, still holding my hand, he gently led me to the door opening it to reveal his dad standing there, “Can you guys get back together for my sake”? I made to say something…..”Mum” he firmly interupted, “you said I could ask anything, what I ask is legal and also within your power, I have also spoken to dad and he is willing, infact, he told me it is the reason he didn’t remarry after all these years”. I couldn’t believe my ears, it was the first time Gbenga would refer to his father as “Dad” and the man caught it too, for he instantly swept his son off his feet in a warm fatherly embrace as the two men wept profusely in each other’s arms.
My feet could barely carry me as I also fought back the tears now welling up in my eyes, the only thing I could say in a teary voice was “please come in and close the door before you attract the neighbors.
As I staggered to the living room and sank into the sofa, I prayed that I would forgive myself for doing this to my son. I thought I was hurting my ex by making our son resent him, but little did I know that I was only hurting the one person I loved the most, the one person who means the world to me, my son.
Now most of us mums and even dads are guilty of this , divorced or married, we turn to our kids for succor when we have issues with our spouses, This not only wrecks them emotionally, it sets the scenario of their own future marraiges!check yourselves and stop it immediately because at the end you will realize that the one you are really hurting is the one you should be protecting.
If this has blessed you,by all means like and share to bless someone else,and watch out for next weeks article, thanks to “Julie’ for sharing her story, you too can share yours and inspire others . you can send me an email to [email protected] Be assured of our highest regards and utmost confidentiality please.
Always yours in motherhood